There are many sides to a story. There is no one way that an event happens in one’s life and it affects more than that person who feels that they are at the center of that event. Looking back on my life and the choices that I have made, I forget to realize how many of those choices that I made affected the people around me. They affected my family, my loved ones and people that I have never met. Nothing in life is one sided and many events are experienced by more people than you realize.
Today I thought about running away from it all. Just taking off and never looking back. Saying goodbye to the world I knew and embracing the sudden openness of the world. On paper it seemed perfect: Escaping from all of my problems, responsibilities and fears. I could go anywhere that I wanted and do anything that I wanted. There would be no boundaries and nothing seemed impossible in my little fantasy. Life would be perfect.
Then I applied my dream to reality. What would I tell my family? What would I tell my friends? What would tell the people that I worked with? What kind of real plan did I have? What would be my financial status? Where would I find income? What could I really do just running?
Running away and continued running seems so perfect to me because it is how I have come to my life at this point. I have finally decided to take control of my gender dysphoria and face the reality that I want to become a woman. I have managed to avoid the issue with everyone around me because I constantly kept running from the truth. If it wasn’t events in my life that tried to prove my masculinity, it was with bad addictions, girls and video games.
Video games are the perfect way to avoid life. Getting lost in a world that doesn’t exist, where you can be a character that has his or priority straight, or in a game where you get to choose what you want your character to be and then modeling them into the ideal you. You don’t have to pretend in a video game that you have to pretend to fit in. You just do as you are that character and are able to feel as if you are in a safe environment. Bonding with the character wishing that you could be as cool as them and when you get spend your countless hours in the game you just lose yourself with all of your problems. Video games are the prefect form of running away.
Drugs and alcohol make you feel numb. They distort your thinking and provide you a minimal window where you don’t have to deal with your full self. They are great for the limited amount of time that you are on them, but after the high disappears you need more and more to try to stay at the same place that you just were at. Not only is it a bad habit, but it is a way to surely kill yourself on the inside as well on the outside. Your problems don’t just magically disappear, but come back stronger when you realize that you have a new bigger problem thrown on top of all your other ones.
Death. What to say about death? it is the ultimate ending to any living thing on this planet. There are many different beliefs held around the world as what happens when you die with your body and the spiritual realms, but facing the truth one of two things are going to happen: You are going to get put into the earth where you are going to become food for mother nature or you are going to get burned into a pile of ash that is going to sit in some urn somewhere. What I am trying to say is that your existence in this world will be over. There will be no way of coming back from it unless you are Jesus or told to rise from the dead by him. (If the ladder happens then you’ll be a damn Zombie and that is just freaky.) Taking your life could be simple and would release you from everything that holds you down in this world.
All of these are ways that I have used to run away from my problems. They are things that I am not proud of. I gave a majority of my life to them and my problems still are present in my face until this day. (I obviously was not successful with the death part as I am still here and able to write this article.)
Todays thought was another new way of running. The way a fugitive runs from the law. I thought that my life would somehow be better if I could just keep moving as if I was on the lamb. Never being tied down to any one place, person or thing. Just moving from area to area, experiencing the world and getting myself lost in it, while forgetting pretty much everything else that I had ever had to deal with.
That is when the questions came in. I had to ask myself: Could I really do this? Could I really force myself to live harshly for the time that I want continue running or should I just man up and actually face the problems that are before me? Even as I write this I do not know the answers to my questions. The idea seems so perfect and easy, it is hard to just not wonder. Yet I know that running only delays the issues never solves them.
Just remember when you make a rash decision that it is going to affect everyone around you, not just yourself. Cutting yourself from the world destroys lives, even of people that you never knew or seen could get impacted greatly. There are many different support groups out there and people willing to talk to you about your problems. Just make sure to seek help before you make a drastic choice that will be permanent.