1. I am completely into myself.
On the surface it might seem that I am very shy and that I don’t like a lot of things about myself, but you will soon learn that all I ever do is talk about myself. I am totally into me and everything that involves me. Somehow I end up making every situation about me, even when I had no say or part of it to begin with in the first place. I will continue to try my hardest to pay attention to you while you go on about your family or your best friend, but if the article I am reading deems more important in my mind, good luck with getting me to actually hear what it is that you are saying.
2. When it comes to having things equal, I will usually be in favor of getting my own personal gains.
Last nugget in the box? What movie to watch or thing to do? Who should get the most comfortable position? Usually at the beginning all of these things happened to land in your favor. It wasn’t because of my generosity. It was because at first I tried to be a good person and establish equal grounds, even if it went against my personal beliefs. “Why?”, you might ask. Probably because at first I felt like it was the decent thing to do. Pretty soon though, you will find that I am not that willing to share. That my things are my things and that if you are not quick enough to argue a decision than I will be making the choice for me despite the fact that you are, probably more than likely, still part of the equation.
3. Even though we might find that we have a lot of things in common, I usually dwell on the things that I really like or enjoy that you don’t, which makes me irritable when we come close to those subjects.
You don’t like a hobby, band, music genre or movie that I am super into? Oh well, either learn to like it or learn to suffer through it, quietly. I really don’t want to hear your protest or hear you whine with how much you don’t like what it is I am doing. I obviously know how you feel about the situation and when it comes down to it, 9.9 out of 10 times, I am going to choose to ignore your pleas and continue to do whatever it is that I want to do.
4. Most of the time I don’t really care about your feelings.
Making you happy is a form of making me happy and if I don’t feel like it, then oh well. You know that big smile that I used to put on your face, the one that said melted your heart and made you glow on the inside, yeah that one, well to be honest, that smile was never meant for you. I found pleasure in making you happy because it would in turn reap personal benefits for me. You being happy meant that you in turn would do things to try to make me happy. It was a total win win situation for me and I couldn’t make it any better. But just watch out. When I am not feeling in a mood to try to make you happy, or when I am completely in a negative mood, you and your happiness are totally fucked. I will probably do everything in my power to try to make you feel worst than I already feel.
5. I am a liar and will tell you things that you want to hear.
Remember all of those awesome things that I said and how I made you fall farther and farther down the hole for me? Well, to be honest, most of them might not have been too true. I wanted you for me and my personal gain. I wanted the thought of you more than I wanted the actual you. I did whatever I had to do to try to get you to the end goal and now that I might still have you there, I don’t really have any other further intentions of pushing any further.
6. I am never satisfied with anything I have and will always want to upgrade. That includes you too.
I am always into new, faster, shinier things. I try to upgrade often. I never want to be behind the power curve. I will always try to experience as many things as I can and have never learned to settle with the things that I already have. Somehow you have made your way onto this list. Once I get tired of you, or feel that it is time to explore different options, you will have no idea what it is I am planning because unlike a product cycle, you don’t have one. Just for your information, I will probably already have someone else stocked ready to go. Please don’t be too shocked.
7. When I am miserable you will feel the full brute of my pain.
I will confide in you all of my deepest darkest secrets, or at least tell you that they are my deepest darkest secrets and maybe you might confide in me yours. Although I might have admitted that I am prone to major depression, I allow for it to take control of my every aspect of life and it isn’t something that is just like you seem sad. You will constantly ask me, “What is wrong?” or “Are you feeling okay?” and I will probably answer with some sort of response that tries to get you as far away from thinking those thoughts in the first place. I am never “Okay” and I can’t really recall the last time I have been. I continually make this facade that I am perfectly fine and try to show the world the best side of me, but on the inside I am burning inside in agony. You might hear me time to time make gruesome and revealing jokes about death, but I constantly find myself wishing he was knocking on my door. When I get to those moments that I can’t help to hide, be prepared because nothing that you say or do is going to be good enough. You will probably learn of all of the negative things that I have thought about you and I will make sure to attack every open weakness that I can to make you feel like you shouldn’t exist either.
8. Once I get too comfortable with you, good luck on trying to get that awesome person you met back, that person was just a facade.
Somehow you better keep me on my toes and always guessing. Unlike most people who have true personalities and true intentions, all of mine are concealed waiting to come out like the pest infestation that is knocking on your door right after you purchased your new place. Once I have found that you will let me get away with just about anything including murder, good luck on getting me to own up to anything ever again. There will no longer be apologies, slight sorries, or that I will try harder next time. I no longer care. I believe that you should have figured out what you got yourself into and that if you want out, you will need to learn to get out. No more cutesy stuff like the poems or the compliments. No more telling you that you look great in any outfit or that I actually feel bad about your day you had with your family, friend, work or whatever other problem that is knocking at your door. Unless I am going to benefit from doing something, you might as well learn to do it yourself.
9. You were kind of never that important to me, even if I made it seem like you were my whole entire world.
From the moment that I have met you, you have been replaceable. Yes, I built you up and tried to sell you back to yourself, but that was part of the game. I was in it to collect your heart. When I succeeded, I kind of lost the joy that was the chase. You were just like prey and I hunted the coveted prize as best as I could. I might have told you that that thing I gave you back way then was mine, but I had sold mine long ago with my soul when they were still worth something.
10. I am sexually attracted to men, but women make for far better make out partners and awesome cuddles.
This one may or may not come as a shocker. I was never sexually into you, even all of those times that I made your eyes roll into the back of your head, or the times I made your whole body seem like it was on fire. The feelings you might have had for me weren’t matched and even though I know I should feel somewhat bad for leading you on, especially the untrue fact that I was looking for a long term relationship, you were pretty much a place holder for something that I really I want. I hope you aren’t too mad, but hey honesty is key to a great relationship, right?!
11. Finally, I suck horribly at communicating and I should have probably told you all of this from the beginning.
Remember that part where I said I was a liar? You think I would have lead with any of this at the beginning? Heck no. This was everything that I wanted it to be and more. Maybe I will drag it out for awhile longer or maybe I will call it quits tomorrow. The fun fact is that you will most likely never know. I will keep stringing you along until I finally get board and then drop you as if you were never really in my life in the first place. I might miss you a little bit at first, but like the world keeps spinning, I will move onto the next sucker, hoping to accomplish the same thing.
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