She sat there thinking quietly without words. What would they say? What would they think? She had the power in her hands to make it all happen, but what would come of it? Would it really be worth it in the end? Would it even be significant or would it be all in vain?
She did not want to think about it. She did not want to be the one who had this choice on her shoulders. She was completely terrified, as she had not found herself in this position before. She knew that this would depict the kind of person that she was. She knew that it would set the tone for every time after. She knew that in the end that somehow this first time it was final.
Her mind racked it self with the unlimited possibilities of how the situation would turn out. The looks she would receive. The glares; the stares; the eyes of disappointment; the eyes or complete joy; the eyes of lust; the looks of endearment; the looks of satisfaction. All of those thoughts ran through her mind as she tried to come to terms with what she had to do. It was put upon her to make the best choice, but it was also up to her to consider the input from all of the parties combined.
Frustrated and bewildered, she kept pacing back and forth to try to make her decision. Maybe it would come to her she thought. Maybe the decision would somehow magically appear before her already made. Maybe she could just walk away and allow for someone else to make the decision so she did not have to. But they were counting on her, all of them. They had placed this special power into her hands and it was left up to her to be able to fully adjust the situation so that she could get the nods of approval that she would constantly seek.
She could easily phone another to help her make her decision. She could easily ask any of the people around her what they would do when they were left in the situation that she was in. She knew that she did not have to fully rely on herself, but she also knew that everyone else had relied on her in the first place to make the decision for them.
Recounting everyone that would be a part of her decision-making only boggled her mind even more. Why did something so simple have to be so hard? She knew that from the beginning that some would have to be let down. She knew it would not be easy to break it to them. She knew that no matter how much she tried to make them understand that she tried to make the best decision possible that she was only human and that she did the best that she could.
She constantly looked out at the names in front of her. There were so many to choose from, but only one real choice to be made. Her mind raced at the different possibilities that were before her. Which one would be best? Which one made the most sense? Which one would meet the demand of everything that was placed on it? Which one would satisfy the most numbers?
Time was running out and she had to make a choice. The music blaring in the background did not help to make it any better. ‘Really?’ she thought to herself as the Taylor Swift song continued to play like it made things more upbeat. She knew that there were only moments left before she would be forced to make a final decision that she would have to live with for the rest of her life. She slowly looked up to the ceiling as if she would have an epiphany, as if the answer was there floating above her head the whole time.
‘Maybe it won’t be that bad’ she thought. ‘Maybe it will all make sense in the end. I mean they are the ones who entrusted me with this choice in the first place. I mean they could have chose, but they put me in charge. They allowed for me to have the final say in what happens and that is how the future is going to be. Fuck, why does this have to be so hard.’
Defeated her shoulders began to sag. She knew what she had to do, but did not want to do it. There were so many good candidates to choose from, but only one would be able to make the cut. Only one of them was better than the rest and it was her choice to make that decision. Maybe if she chose wrong, she would get another chance, a chance at redemption. Or if she was wrong that was it, no more, and she would never have to find herself in this predicament again. Maybe that was the golden ticket, but deep down she knew that was not the case. She desperately wanted the approval of her peers. She always did what was in the best interests of the others and she never really went against the group even when it would be better for her to do so.
Now she had that power in her hand. Now she wielded the decision before her that she could use to please just herself. She could make herself happy and fuck all of the rest. She could be the one to be beneficial in this situation while everyone else had to suffer the consequences. No more would she sit back and allow for her self to be pushed around. No longer would she have to sit back and try to relax as all of the decisions around her were made for her. She had the power to change it all. This was that time. This was the beginning. This would be the…
“Excuse me shoppers, but the store will be closing in ten minutes. This is the last call for checkout.”
Looking down at the three dollars and some change that she had in her hand, she could not decide between the cookies in cream or the mint chocolate chip.
“Fuck, I am too high for this. I just want everything”
Transitions 