There are many times when you look back into your life and you wonder what if. What if you would have said things differently to that person? What if you hadn’t decided to skip that school day? What if you had the courage to be who you really were back then? What if…?
Looking back into my past, I see the people that I have loved and lost. People that were great to the me that that they knew and people that I wish I could have in my life right now. Most of the people from my past I pushed away. “Why?” you might ask. Simply because I was too afraid that if they got too close to me that they might learn my secret. They might judge me in ways that I did not want to be judged. Say things to me that might hurt. Call me a freak and never look at me the same again. All of these were legit reasons at the time why I ran away from people, friends and even loved ones.
Going through old photos and remembering a past that seems so distant is sad. I have accomplished a lot, but it feels so empty when there is hardly anyone to share it with. I go through old social networks like Myspace and I remember a time when I had people that I could call friends and see on a regular basis because they were around me. When High School was over, so were they. I threw them away like they were a wrapper to a candy bar and never looked back. Most of these people probably remember me, but the plain truth is I don’t know if they actually liked me. I could probably call them friends, but I don’t know what they would have used the word for me. I was such a pain in a lot of people’s sides because going through school I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to make it through to the next day, where I could finally be done with the hardships of school and move on to the “real world.” I never made a real attentive connection with any of the people around me. I never tried to go beyond with that extra stuff that friends do for one another. Yeah, we hung out during breaks, maybe got high together, but did that constitute enough to be actual friends. I don’t know.
I know I threw away relationships with people, but did they also throw it away the same way that I did? I really don’t know. It is not like I can just go up to them and ask them, “Hey, why is it that we stopped communicating?” I will never really know the exact thought process that goes through a person other than myself.
It is scary realizing that there is only a select few in your life. Some of those people will surprise you and make you feel reassured. They might be people that you had no intentions of ever becoming friends with, but for someone reason they are. I wish I could go back and amend all the “so-called” friends that I had, so that maybe I could have carried them into the future, but as it goes I am still scared of how they will treat me. It is funny that that fear eats at my core so much, but that I still carry myself along through with the transition. Maybe eventually one day they will know and maybe they might be people that I can call friends again, but as of now they are just people in my past that are smiles I remember and good time memories.
To each and every one of you, that have entered my life at one point, either if I had made an impact on your life or you on mine, I say, “Thank you.” I say it from the bottom of my heart. I say it with a lump in my throat. I say it like you never heard me say it before. “Thank you.” Somehow someway each and everyone of you helped shape me to be the person I am today. I have found the courage and the confidence to be true to myself in ways that I had only dreamed possible. Yes, I now accept me for me. I am now on the building blocks of my foundation to actually be able to reach out to people and make friends. I am now not afraid of people knowing my secret for I now wear my secret out and about proudly. Again I say, “Thank you,” to all of you, thank you for putting up with me when I was a downer. Thank you for putting up with me when I was super sarcastic. Thank you for putting up with me when I was a jerk. Thank you for putting up with me when I tried pushing you away. “Thank you.”